Baby Blues

Today I ran 3.5 miles without stopping. It's been over a year since I've been able to do that, and it felt amazing. It was probably more of a jog than a run, but I was able to go the full 3.5 miles without walking. Yes, I have big plans to be able to go longer distances, but for today, I'm proud of my accomplishment.

I love Ally to pieces and am so grateful that she has become a part of our family. I can't imagine life without her! However, after she was born I experienced a little glimpse of the "baby blues." I've never really experienced any kind of real depression in my life, which I'm very grateful for, but starting in January life just started feeling down for me. I wasn't happy. This was weird for me, because I'm generally a pretty happy and positive person. I know it stemmed from Ally being so sick so often (not that she could help it, poor thing!). It was hard for me to get out (and I didn't want to take her out because of the risk of exposure to more illnesses), I endured more sleepless nights than I'm pretty sure I ever have in 5 months, and I wasn't able to exercise.

Looking back over the last few months I am now recognizing little blessings here and there, that I didn't notice at first. In January, I started reading the scriptures with the kids at breakfast. We just read a page or two a morning and then talk about what is happening. This has been an amazing blessing in our lives. Our mornings are happier, Spencer has gotten over his "terrible threes" phase, the kids get along better, and I have more patience. I feel really strongly that this small change in our lives is what helped me realize that I was suffering from some form of mild depression. It's hard for me to explain, but I just know being that much more in tune with the Spirit had a hand in helping me get through the last few months.

I know quite a bit about depression having to help some significant people in my life get through it, so once I realized some early warning signs in myself, I knew I had to take action. By the time Ally was over her RSV in early March, some changes in my life had to be made.

I knew if I didn't get out and leave my role as Mommy behind for just a few short hours, I might end up in the crazy house. Fortunately I have an amazing husband who was very supportive and knew I needed some "me" time. I started making the effort to get out with my friends who I felt I hadn't seen in 5 months. One of my friends invited me to go see a movie one night and I'm pretty sure she was inspired, because I desperately needed it! I felt so relieved that night to be out with friends, no kids, wearing makeup and a real bra instead of a sports bra, and not carrying a diaper bag! You might laugh, but I felt very liberated. :)

Kyle and I also started spending more time with one another. It's weird, but from January until Spring Break I felt like Kyle and I hadn't really talked with one another. Kyle is gone a LOT, and by the time he got home at night we were both too exhausted to do anything other than fall asleep. Weekends were usually reserved for spending time with Janelle and Spencer who we felt needed some one-on-one time away from a sick, crying baby. But finally over spring break, we spent half of a day on a long walk just talking and it did wonders for me emotionally. He really is my best friend in the whole world and I love him so much!

We also moved Ally out of our room. We'd kept her in there longer than we had Janelle and Spencer because of her RSV, but last week we made the big move. She's still not sleeping through the night (which is getting REEEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLLY old), but I am sleeping a lot better the hours that I am asleep.

I started setting exercise goals. I had to put my gym membership on hold because I was wasting money not being able to go. However, my wonderful parents let me come to their house and use their treadmill while Spencer is at preschool. They even help watch Ally when she's awake so I can run.

Finally, just this last Saturday, Kyle and I were able to make it to the Temple for the first time since last summer to participate in a family sealing session. It was an amazing afternoon and I'll never forget the sweet spirit I felt in that sealing room. My Grandpa has become quite the genealogist and provided us with a huge stack of sealings that needed to be done. I think we got 114 done! It was fun seeing him so happy. :)

Life is happy again. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love my job and I can honestly say that I am a more patient person today than I was last year. I'm a mom, but I'm also a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a 28-year-old who needs to get out sometimes.

I honestly wasn't going to post anything about this, because it's really not a huge deal, just a short period of my life on a downhill. But I think it's important to keep life real. I also think it's important to raise awareness about issues like post-partum depression. It's definitely real. I think I only experienced the tiniest sliver of what it's like and am grateful that's all it was.

I'm also grateful for Ally. I'm grateful that overall, she's a very healthy baby who is growing and thriving just fine. She may have a lousy immune system or bad sinuses or allergies or whatever it is, but that's all that it is. I love her so so much!